PR Newswire, Jan. 1, 2021: FOX ANNOUNCES REBOOT OF CLASSIC DONALD TRUMP REALITY SHOW FEATURING ORDINARY AMERICANS COMPETING TO PAY THE LOWEST TAXES. The Fox network announced today that it is launching a new version of President Donald Trump’s hit reality show “The Apprentice,” to be hosted by the President as he awaits his return to the White House, while the fraudulent results of the recent election are overturned by the Supreme Court. The première episode will air on January 20, 2021, as an alternative to watching the hoax Inauguration.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE (screaming V.O.): Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and fighters for freedom and liberty and the American Dream, live from the Southern White House in Palm Beach, Florida, it’s “The Apprentice 2021: Tax Masters”!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: O.K., let’s go. What’s your name?
CONTESTANT No. 1: Hello, I’m Agnes Wallace.
CONTESTANT No. 1: Oh, yes, sorry, they told me about that backstage. My name, sir, is, sir, Agnes Wallace, sir.
TRUMP: And what do you do, Agnes?
CONTESTANT No. 1: I’m a schoolteacher. Sir. At a public school in Chicago and—
TRUMP: Uh-huh. So you’re a loser? I’m not sure what we can do, but let’s take a look. Are these your tax returns? (pages through document) It says here that you spent seven hundred and fifty dollars on school supplies. I like that number, at least.
CONTESTANT No. 1: Yes, the school didn’t have paintbrushes and other art supplies for the kids so I bought them with my own money.
TRUMP: Sucker. You spent seven hundred and fifty dollars on crayons?
CONTESTANT No. 1: Yes. $761.80, to be exact.
TRUMP: So you actually reported less than you spent? (shaking head) Wow. You’re hopeless. All right, so, first off, let’s add a zero. Seventy-five hundred dollars for art supplies.
CONTESTANT No. 1: I don’t think anyone will believe that I spent seventy-five hundred dollars on art supplies.
TRUMP: Well, in that case, there’s no reason not to add two zeroes. Seventy-five thousand dollars on art supplies. Since you paid forty-two thousand dollars in taxes, you deduct the seventy-five thousand dollars you spent on art supplies as a business expense, and you’ll be entitled to a refund of, I don’t know, twenty-five thousand dollars or something—fifty to fifty thousand dollars.
CONTESTANT No. 1: But I can’t legally deduct the art supplies as a business expense.
TRUMP: Why not?
CONTESTANT No. 1: Because I work at a public school. It’s not a business.
TRUMP: Yeah, well, you see, that’s the problem right there. O.K., Abner—
CONTESTANT No. 1: It’s Agnes, sir.
TRUMP: You look like an Abner. Ivanka, tell him what he needs to do.
IVANKA: Abner, you have to incorporate your business. . . . What do you do again?
CONTESTANT No. 1: I’m a teacher, Ma’am.
IVANKA: Right. Teacher. As a wife and mother, I have so much respect for . . . what was it again?
CONTESTANT No. 1: Teachers.
IVANKA: Yes. So your business can provide “teaching services” and hire you as a “teaching consultant.” That’s the way we usually do it. And then everything is tax-deductible—your plane . . .
CONTESTANT No. 1: I don’t have a car. I can’t afford a plane.
TRUMP: You really should. It’ll improve your productivity by a thousand per cent. Add a zero. Ten thousand per cent.
IVANKA: And you can deduct the cost of buying your golf courses provided that you play golf regularly but not so regularly that they start making money.
CONTESTANT No. 1: I don’t have any golf courses. I’ve never even played golf.
TRUMP: That’s another big problem right there. If you and your fellow-citizens had been a little more interested in playing golf and a little less interested in teaching, this country wouldn’t be such a disaster.
IVANKA: Do you deduct your hair styling?
CONTESTANT No. 1: I cut my own hair.
IVANKA: We can see that.
TRUMP: O.K., this is getting boring. I told Mark I didn’t want any crazy people. How about this? You can license my name for your teaching-services company. Call it “Trump Teach U.” My attorney is waiting outside with the paperwork. You’re fired. Get out.
CONTESTANT No. 2: Hello, sir. I’m Dennis McClosky.
TRUMP: O.K., Dennis, what’s your story?
CONTESTANT No. 2: Well, I’m in a bit of a mess. You see, a few years back, a small business I owned went bankrupt.
TRUMP: Good, good. Go on.
CONTESTANT No. 2: And then I got divorced.
TRUMP: Excellent. I like what I’m hearing.
CONTESTANT No. 2: I got hooked on cocaine.
TRUMP: Right. Could you make it “I got hooked on opioids”? A lot of people are saying that opioids are a big problem.
CONTESTANT No. 2: Anyway, I haven’t filed a tax return in, like, fifteen years and I probably owe much more than I could ever possibly raise in back taxes and penalties.
TRUMP: I think we have a winner here. Don’t change a thing, Dennis, you’re doing great.
CONTESTANT No. 3: Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing and I just wanted to ask Dennis a question. What’s your secret?
CONTESTANT No. 2: Just bad luck, I guess. And the drugs.
CONTESTANT No. 3: (writing it down) And these were opioids, you say?
TRUMP: What is your name?
CONTESTANT No. 3: I’m your Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross.
TRUMP: Secretary of what?
CONTESTANT No. 3: Commerce.
IVANKA: As a wife and mother, I have so much respect for commerce.
CONTESTANT No. 3: Technically, I’m the former Secretary of Commerce. President Biden has appointed—
TRUMP: (fingers in ears and humming) Mmm, mmm, not gonna hear it. You’re the Secretary of Commerce until I fire you. You’re fired. The second guy, you’re the winner. O.K., quick, let’s do another one, I get paid by the episode.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE (screaming V.O.): This has been a Mark Burnett production!